VEXED IN THE CITY
Can I ask my colleague about his home life?
DEAR VEXED: There’s a colleague I work really closely with on a number of projects. We get along well, but our relationship is strictly professional. Recently I’ve noticed him being really distracted, and I overheard him having a bitter argument with his wife on the phone. I think something is going wrong at home – maybe even a divorce – and his work is suffering a little. Should I ask him about it, or is it none of my business? John, 31, private wealth
IT SOUNDS to me – from the length of your email and the use of the word “little”– as though you are rather enjoying the drama your colleague seems to be going through, and rather enjoying your proximity to it. Dare I suggest that you have a bit of a lull going on in your own life? Perhaps you’ve been single a while?
Well, either way, you should be very careful you don’t come across as creepy or inappropriate by asking him about what must be a deeply private situation, and one that I’m sure he’d rather keep away from the professional sphere. In fact, I’d say the more curious you are, the least likely you are to bring it up in a tactful, non-weird way.
That said, if you’re desperate to know more and – dare I say it – forge an intimacy with him, then suggest going out for drinks. Perhaps it would do him – and your project – good to blow off steam. A few beers down, I’d be surprised if he didn’t bring up his troubles without prompting. What you can do is steer the topic onto “women” (those difficult creatures) and see what he says. If he still keeps it to himself, leave it. You’re not his shrink, or his best friend.
The issue about his performance is more concerning. Since it implicates you, you deserve to be involved in trying to resolve it. Give it a few weeks and see if a) he re-focuses and b) if his distraction really threatens your work and productivity. If it’s a short-term project and you can get through it even with his mind wandering to the troubled waters on the home-front, I’d just stick it out. The less personal drama you get involved with at work, the better. Despite your gossipy impulses.
If, however, your work is suffering and you’re worried about continuing to work with him, then it is fair play to bring it up. Take him out for a coffee, or just into the conference room, and gently say you’ve noticed he’s been distracted recently, and you hope all’s well, but you’re struggling to do the work. See what he says. If he clams up, take it to the next level. This doesn’t necessarily mean going straight to HR. First, give it a week or so to settle down, and if doesn’t, speak to him again. If he still won’t budge, speak to your manager for advice. This could end up being an issue for higher powers and in such cases, you need to make sure all the appropriate channels are followed.