The Capitalist: Traitors, Tories and death to the robots
Traitors, the Trump inauguration and broken robots in this week’s edition of City PM’s gossip column The Capitalist
ROSES ARE RED, TULIP IS THROUGH
At around about the same time that Tulip Siddiq was drafting her resignation statement, Labour MP Callum Anderson was hosting former London Stock Exchange colleagues for a chat in Westminster about the “pivotal role” UK capital markets will play in Labour’s economic strategy. If only Starmer had been scrolling Linkedin he would have clocked Anderson’s post and, who knows, might have thought about filling a Tulip Sidiqq-shaped hole in his team with this energetic member of his 2024 intake. As it happens, he opted for the only other Labour MP who understands the Square Mile, former City lobbyist Emma Reynolds. She knows her stuff, of that there’s no doubt, but does she know too much? Her recent past, lobbying Whitehall to engineer closer links between China and the City, has given hacks (and opposition MPs) a new issue to focus on, now that they’ve been deprived of following the Siddiq scandal.
COLA-COAXING FAVOUR
The Capitalist is deeply excited about the looming Trump inauguration, if only for the live Village People performance. The band has changed their tune (literally), having previously complained about the Donald blasting out YMCA at his rallies. Now they feel it’s time to rise above partisan differences/cash in. They’re not alone in this U-turn, with another quintessentially American brand working hard to get in Trump’s good books. Back on Jan 7 2021, with America still in shock from the Capitol riot, Coca Cola put out a statement lambasting the violence as “an offense to the ideas of American democracy”. Since American democracy has returned Trump to the White House, Coca Cola has now marked the occasion by presenting the incoming President with their first ever specially-commissioned “Commemorative Inaugural Diet Coke”. The gift was handed over to a grateful Don by Coca Cola CEO James Quincey. Cheers!
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HISTORY LESSONS
Unfortunately our own premier will be unable to crack open a can of the inaugural cola, with Keir Starmer not making the invite list for Donald Trump’s inauguration – much to the glee of TalkTV presenter Mike Graham, who lambasted the snub to “Sir Keir Stalin’” as “embarrassing for Britain” on his morning show earlier this week. Not to worry about Britain, it turned out rather more embarrassing for Mr Graham, who was swiftly schooled by many listeners, who pointed out that no UK Prime Minister has ever attended a US President’s inauguration.
TRAITORS AND TORIES
Elsewhere in these pages we have dissected how The Traitors may offer an insight into office politics, but what about real politics? Thankfully, a poll by More in Common has the answers. According to research by the think tank, there is a strong correlation between whether you vote Conservative or Labour and whether you’d rather be a Traitor (smart and evil) or a Faithful (honest and dumb) on the show. We’ll let you put two and two together.
And it seems pop culture litmus tests are the flavour of the moment, with Conservative MP Katie Lam taking to The House magazine to present her own: The Devil Wears Prada. According to the MP’s review of the new West End adaption of the show, one’s political persuasions can easily be diagnosed from whether or not you sympathise with the plight of too-good-to-be-there fashion intern Andy. “If you, like me, left the cinema thinking, ‘Sorry, you went to work for the most important publication serving a multi-trillion-dollar industry and you were surprised it was demanding? […]’, then you, my friend, may be a Conservative. If on the other hand you thought, ‘My God, this is inhumane – these people must unionise immediately,’ then I know an Employment Rights Bill you might like to support.”
Read more: The Capitalist: Bunking off work and rationing at Christmas time
ROBOT WARS
The humans prevailed over the androids at this week’s Science Committee. After a robot was hauled in to impress the boffins, it promptly went on to stall when the parliamentary wifi was too weak to power it, according to dirt dished online. And if it had worked? “Several members of the public missed much of the session because the door was broken,” revealed parliamentary sketchwriter Quentin Letts.
PLACE YOUR BETS
Rachel Reeves’ job may be on the line, what with the pound rather inconveniently falling to a 14-month low. Insiders are already speculating about who her replacement might be, according to William Kedjanyi, a political betting analyst at Star Sports. “Rachel Reeves has found herself in some hot water of late due to market turbulence,” explains Kedjanyi. Cabinet Office supremo Pat McFadden is rumoured to be first in line to replace her. “McFadden is the strong market leader at 2/1 to take on Reeves’ responsibilities as Chancellor should she be removed from her position, with Chief Secretary to the Treasury Darren Jones second in the running at 4/1.”