Is snubbing a colleague on holiday okay?
DEAR VEXED: It turns out a close colleague and I have booked a week’s holiday in the same resort in France, each of us with a group of friends. She’s really keen to hang out when we’re there but all I want to do is forget work – plus, we’re not really close friends. What do I do? I don’t want to create tension but I also don’t want anything to do with her on my holiday.
Mark, 33, asset management
FORGIVE me a chuckle, but that’s rather a funny situation you’ve got yourself into there. Of all the resorts in Europe, the pair of you are heading to the same one?
It seems deeply unlikely. Therefore I am going to posit a daring hypothesis: she knew you were going there and booked accordingly. That, I’m afraid, is Stalker Tactics 101. Have you noticed any behaviour from her that could indicate more than collegial feelings? For example, meetings that seem to be more about her eyelashes fluttering and her finely tanned cleavage heaving than about the movement of Chinese stocks?
Now, I don’t know what your romantic situation is, but given that you’re going on holiday with your friends, I’d wager you’re single and that she is too. And that you’ve therefore picked up on the vibes (single thirty-somethings are good at this) coming from her, and are not keen. Meanwhile, she is playing the friend card, getting all excited about the prospect of a social extravaganza abroad – that’s Stalker Tactics 102 – rather than coming clean about her feelings.
On first glance, you are in a double bind: not interested romantically, and not interested socially. Romantically, you are of course under no obligation to please her (on the contrary, colleagues should keep relations strictly platonic), and she is vaguely in the wrong by putting herself in your path so flagrantly. Socially, it’s a tough one. You don’t want to offend her, as this could have bad ramifications at work. But on the other hand, you are entirely within your rights to desire a holiday free from all vestiges of the office.
Crucially, she has traversed boundaries by invading your space and not being sensitive to your privacy. Therefore you need to make it clear that you will be doing your own thing on this holiday.
If, like most men, you fear confrontation, don’t worry. It needn’t get to that point. Just remain elusive – never give a clear indication of where you’ll be at any given time. The phrase “I’m not sure what we’re doing yet” will stand you in very good stead. If she finds you at the pool, just tell her you’d like to read your book. Or if you’re with your friends, giving her the cold shoulder should be easy. It would be very strange if she didn’t get the message.
As a last resort, you could always consider trying to book somewhere else. Because otherwise your colleague is going to be a pretty unavoidable presence, the degree to which will be determined by how diplomatically harsh you’re prepared to be.
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